Working the Steps for Love Addicts

For love addicts, finding balance in life can be a struggle. Understanding and respecting one’s own boundaries requires that one has a knowledge of themselves and their limits, and also, an honesty regarding the unmanageability that love addiction and toxic relationships can cause.

Entering a 12-step program such as SLAA (Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous) can be a very important part of the recovery work from love addiction. Modeled after the 12 steps of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), the 12 steps for recovery from love addiction look similar, with just a few differences that address the addiction specifically.

Working the steps has many benefits; among them, developing new ways of relating to others and new choices of how to be in the world. Prior to working a 12-step program, we may have found ourselves attracted only to other love addicts or other love avoidants. When we work the steps, we learn to love ourselves, and in turn, select more functional partners for relationships.

Sometimes initially in SLAA, we may be asked to refrain from being involved in a romantic relationship. This is to help us do important work on ourselves without the distraction that a relationship can bring with it. Working a solid program in SLAA can help us to become aware of the ways that we as love addicts create chaos and intensity, often mistaking these qualities for genuine intimacy. Having the time and space to begin learning how to be truly intimate can start with learning how to be authentically intimate with ourselves.

Working on unrealistic expectations about others can also be an important part of our recovery from love addiction. While working the steps, we might find ourselves reviewing our pasts; that is, examining our family of origin and making the discovery that we did not get some crucial emotional needs met in childhood. That can translate to bringing those unresolved feelings into our adult relationships, and re-enacting painful childhood experiences, in the hopes of creating a different outcome from the one we experienced in our past.

One very important part of this work is coming to the realization that other adults cannot fulfill unresolved childhood needs, and cannot be expected to love us unconditionally like a parent would. This is a need that we can only fulfill for ourselves. While it can be a painful realization to acknowledge that others can’t heal our past emotional wounds, new growth can be achieved through confronting our codependency and learning how to function interdependently, rather than relying on others for what we can only supply to ourselves. In recovery, we come to have realistic expectations about others, and we own our parts in relational interactions.

People who struggle with intimacy issues can benefit greatly from getting support. A solid relationship with a skilled therapist trained in love & sex addiction can help guide the individual through this process. At Center For Healthy Sex (www.centerforhealthysex.com), we offer individual, group and intensive therapy programs to effectively address sex addiction, love addiction and intimacy issues.

Sex, Lies, and Congressman Weiner

Another sex scandal? They’re coming so fast now I can hardly keep up with them.  Are men in power acting “like pigs” as the May 30 Time Magazine accuses them of.  Take a look at this article in Time Magazine last week: http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20110530,00.html

On the matter of Weiner, this guy has all the signs and symptoms of sexually addictive behaviors.  You might think his arrogance is shocking then be fooled by his willingness to apologize over and over again.  Don’t let the apology fool you.  He will act out again if he doesn’t get help because he can’t stop himself.

Let’s see what happens…

Heavy Internet porn use is not fun

Men, women, and teens are getting caught in the web of on-line pornography and, sometimes, can’t get out.  With the advent of more free porn than ever before and high levels of accessibility, porn addiction is on the rise.

A study in the UK of 1,057 adults aged 18-24 shows that looking at more than 10 hours a week of porn can have detrimental effects on desire for sex with a partner. Porn is rapidly becoming a substitute for actual sex because, for one thing,  it takes less work than intimate engagement with a partner.  Attaching to pornography can negatively impact the users ability to get aroused with a real person, and it can sometimes take months before a natural sexual arousal will return.

The article states:

Men who look at porn for 10 hours a week are much more likely to worry it is influencing their behaviour, the survey suggested.

Higher numbers of those heavy users said their porn viewing had upset a partner or caused them to miss a meeting at work.

Men looking at porn for at least 10 hours a week were also more likely to say it can put them off real-life sex.

To read the article go to: http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/12918531.

Excessive internet porn usage leads to erectile dysfunction

How can excessive Internet porn usage lead to ED?

The brain gets fatigued from viewing the intense and highly graphic pornographic images that are available on-line, making real people less arousing.  When a real, attractive person comes into contact with an excessive Internet porn user, the brain of the porn user doesn’t recognize the person as novel enough to produce dopamine so the body doesn’t get a signal for arousal. In other words, the real person doesn’t activate the dopamine system in the brain so no excitement registers.

The trap is that porn can eventually become an addiction, rendering the user sexually impotent when they try to have real sex with another person.  Take a look at this dramatic and clear article at

http://goodmenproject.com/guy-talk/swearing-off-porn-saved-my-sex-life/

Let us know what you think!

Orgasm, Inc. – the movie

Orgasm, Inc. looks at “the strange science of female pleasure and in the process reveals the warped mentality of our pharmaceutical and medical industries. Director Liz Canner embarks on a nine year odyssey as she follows the companies who are racing to be the first to win FDA approval for a a product to cure ‘female sexual dysfunction.’ The prize: billions of dollars in profits.”

This movie has been called, “upbeat, engaging, enlightening, and provocative.”

Visit http://www.firstrunfeatures.com for trailer and more information.

Let us know what you think about the movie by clicking the comment button below.

Alternatives to the sex addiction model

Bill Hearing in Atlanta, Georgia has written a terrific article in order to reach people who don’t get the help they need because they resist the word “addict”.  He writes, “It seems to me that there are only a
few other words they can use, and each carries its own profound implication
that people often choose to overlook, generally to their own detriment.”

To read this article, click on the link below and let us know what you think.

http://billherring.info/atlanta_counseling/alternatives-to-the-sex-addiction-model

He’s just not into anyone

New York Magazine writer, Davy Rothbart, takes us on an honest journey of what watching too much pornography can do to mens ability to keep an erection or ejaculate. He never talks about “addiction” to porn or cybersex addiction, but he makes it clear that porn affects the brain/bodies of men who overindulge.

See for yourself:

http://nymag.com/news/features/70976/


Female sex and love addiction

Women have a lot of difficulty getting the courage to reach out and get the help they need when it comes to problematic sexual behaviors.  A the Center for Healthy Sex, we’re committed to helping women talk about and heal from these issues without shame.

To learn more about this problem, take a look at this article I co-wrote with Caroline Frost of CHS

recoveryview.com/2010/09/understanding-female-sex-addiction/

Let us know what you think by clicking the comment button below.

Do you struggle with sexual anorexia?

Do you withhold sex as a form of power and control?  Have you hurt other people by your sexual issues? Take a look at this short column I wrote for Self Magazine at the link below.  Let us know what you think by clicking the button below. Sex Therapy Los Angeles

http://www.self.com/health/blogs/healthyself/2010/10/do-you-have-sexual-anorexia.htlm

Tune in www.1100KFNX.com Friday, 9/24 at 8:00 pm

RADIO DR. GLUSS
PSYCHOLOGY WITHIN NEWS & POP CULTURE

MORE INFO:

  • Friday, September 24th
  • Get Linked Up!
  • Purchase Dr. Gluss’ Book!
  • Archive Podcasts!
  • Listen Live!
  • The Law and “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – With the Attorney Winning the Ruling in Federal Court

    Dan Woods

    Erotic Intelligence

    With Alexandra Katehakis

  • Friday, September 24th
  • woods pic 8-9pm PST on KFNX1100 The Law and “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – With the Attorney Winning the Ruling in Federal Court

    Dan Woods

    Mr. Woods is a partner in the litigation practice of White & Case and practices complex commercial litigation throughout the United States.

    Recently in Federal Court, Mr. Woods represented the Log Cabin Republicans, a nonprofit organization, pro bono in a challenge to the Government’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which prevents gays and lesbians from openly revealing their sexuality or risk discharge. The lawsuit was seeking a ruling that the policy violates constitutional protections of due process, equal protection, and freedom of speech

    Just this month a Federal Judge in California struck down the discriminatory federal policy barring gays and lesbians from serving openly in the military. U.S. District Judge Virginia A. Phillips said the ban violated the first amendment and due process rights of gay and lesbian service members. The judge will issue an injunction to halt the policy, but the Justice Department can appeal.

    Katehakis book Erotic Intelligence Alexandra Katehakis

    Alexandra Katehakis is Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, a certified sex addiction therapist, a certified sex therapist, and a supervisory consultant to the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals.

    Her new book is Erotic Intelligence: Igniting Hot Healthy Sex While in Recovery from Sex Addiction.

    If you are outside the Arizona airways you can listen Live on the Internet to our broadcast.

    Listen Live Friday 8PM (pst) on 1100KFNX.com

  • Get Linked Up!
  • Linked logo Get Linked Up with Dr. Gluss! Join us at LinkedIn!

  • Purchase Dr. Gluss’ Book!
  • REEL PEOPLE: Finding Ourselves in the Movies “An insightful analytical tool, invaluable not only to writers, but also to anyone looking to better understand characters, and for that matter, possibly themselves. Dump your shrink and buy this book!.”

    – Gary Levinsohn, Producer, Saving Private Ryan, Wonder Boys, Tomb Raider, The Patriot

    With “Reel People” you will discover a valuable resource to understanding and creating believable characters. “Reel People” will give you a way to “psychoanalyze” characters – to put them on the couch – and in the process make them come alive.

    For More Information or to PURCHASE THE BOOK…

  • Archive Podcasts!
  • JOLT YOUR BRAIN! RE-MIX YOUR MIND! Visit us at www.RadioDrGluss.com for Broadcast Archives to hear any guest anytime you want!

    RadioDrGluss

  • Listen Live!
  • live on the internet Listen Live on the Internet!

    Friday Night 8PM PST

    www.1100KFNX.com

    www.RadioDrGluss.com

    KeyLight

    5850 W. 3rd Street

    Number 270

    Los Angeles, California 90036

    323-935-5775

    Forward email