Book Recommendations

Cybersex: “The Dark Side of the Force” is a really good, comprehensive book about cybersex addiction.  Check it out at:

http://www.lifewatch-eap.com/poc/view_doc.php?id=2493&type=book&cn=66

You can also look at “Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession?” by Jennifer Schneider, M.D. and Robert Weiss.

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Workshops for the Sexually Compulsive

If you are sexually compulsive and live in the Dallas area, or can travel there, check out these workshops.  http://www.sexual-addict.com/WSP1.htm If you attend the workshop, please comment on this post so that others can know about your experience there.  Thanks and be well!

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Take the Cybersex Addiction Test

You may be wondering how much time is too much time looking at porn on the internet?  Do you spend more time online looking at sexual material then you would like?  Has your partner complained about your excessive use of internet porn?  Has internet porn interfered with some aspects of your life? Do you worry that you could loose your job because you use your work computer for sexual purposes? Sex Addiction Los Angeles

These are a few questions that may help you identify whether you have a problem with cybersex addiction.

For more information, take the test listed on this site:

http://sexhelp.com/internet_screening_test.cfm

Let us know if you found this useful or not, and why.  Click on “comments” below.

Some facts about Cybersex Addiction

Here are some interesting facts from Sexual Addiction and Compulsion, A Journal of Treament and Prevention 2004: Sex Addiction Los Angeles

  • About six percent of internet users are having trouble with sex on the internet
  • A profile of very severe problems exist for one percent of users which virtually cripples their ability to function
  • Forty per cent of these extreme cases are women
  • Most porn is downloaded from 9:00 am to 5:00 pm
  • One hundred throusand websites dedicated to selling sex in some way exist (not counting chat rooms, email or other forms of sexual contact on the web)
  • Two hundred sexual related websites are added every day
  • Sex on the internet constitutes the third largest economic sector on the web (software and computers being first and second)
  • The greatest technological innovations on the web were developed by the sex industry (video streaming being an example)

Are you in relationship with a sex addict?

If you are involved with someone who is routinely secretive about their sexual activities and you have questioned some of their behaviors only to have them denied, you might find yourself thinking you are crazy or imagining things. Sex Addiction Los Angeles

Often partners of sex addicts report that they begin to stop trusting their best judgment even though their partner can’t account for his/her time.  Additionally, money can go unaccounted for as can cell phone calls and mood swings.  Sometimes partner’s report that their sex life has diminished considerably and that they feel physically and emotionally neglected.

Other signs your partner may be a sex addict include regular arguing about sex, angry exchanges around sex or feeling terrible or dirty after sex with your partner. Should you think that you may be involved with a sex addict, you may need counseling and/or a self-help group like S-Anon.  http://www.sanon.org/

For more information on this topic, check out http://www.sexaddicthelp.com/Articles/inlove.htm

If you have any questions or would like to add your comments, please click on the “comments” button below.

Pre-marital/Marital Self-Help

How many of us have grown up seeing what healthy relating and healthy sexuality really look like in a long-term committed relationship?   Where have you gotten your ideas about how to keep your sex life vital and alive once you’ve gotten married, are struggling with the pressures of making a living and raising a family?

There’s an easy way to get this information if it interests you.  This on-line course looks is a comprehensive way to get your answers met.  Go to http://www.research.universalclass.com/i/research/6472-syllabus.htm to see they syllabus and/or register.

If you take the course, please let our readers know what you learned and if you would recommend it.

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How to Treat Sex Addiction

Okay, you might be wondering, “how do you deal with the problem of sexual addiction?”  Well, most people report that traditional psychotherapy doesn’t work. In fact, a lot of addicts have told me over the years that they were in therapy for sometimes up to seven years, and NEVER told their therapist about their sex addiction!  So they spent a lot of time and money understanding why they were acting out sexually, but they never learned how to stop. Sex Addiction Los Angeles

You want to find a therapist that uses a cognitive/behavioral/task-oriented approach, and preferably, someone who is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT).  What that means is the therapist holds the addict accountable for what they are thinking, doing and committing to on a daily basis.  Treatment should include weekly homework, reading of recovery books, checking in with the therapist once a week (if not daily) and enforced consequences if the addict doesn’t  keep to their commitments.

12-step groups are super important too because they help the addict reduce their shame and get out of isolation.  Sex addicts get “sober” in groups because they begin to hear that they are not alone and that other people have done similar, and sometimes, worse things.  Groups help people learn that they can get their needs met from others.  In the process sex addicts not only help themselves, they help their fellow addicts.  For more information, check out http://www.medicinenet.com/sexual_addiction/article.htm

The Cycle of Sexual Addiction III

The next phase of the cycle is the ritualization phase.  This consists of special routines that are created to intensify the preoccupation, which adds arousal, excitement and a sense of control.  The rituals include but are not limited to: cruising, choice of clothing and/or music, cleaning the house in order to create the  right “vibe” to act out in, etc.  The rituals can be a further distraction from feelings of unloveability and worthlessness. Sex Addiction Los Angeles

The actual acting out phase is the shortest in the cycle.  The behaviors include but are not limited to:  affairs, compulsive masturbation, use of pornography, cybersex, secrecy, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent calls or touch, strip clubs, anonymous sex, etc.

Finally, sex addicts often report that despair begins shortly after the sexual act has occured.  Despair is utter hopelessness, sadness, desperation and fear over powerlessness.  It can come in the form of guilt “I have done something bad,” and/or shame “I am a bad person.”

The cycle becomes viscious when the sense of failing oneself and others and not keeping promises begins to erode and further damage the person’s integrity and self-esteem.  This is when hopelessness and helplessness begin to move in.  In the worst case, this despair can lead to suicidal thoughts, which can be escaped through going back to the preoccupation state and repeating the cycle.

It is only when someone has hit a personal “bottom” that they typically seek help.

To learn more about this cycle, take a look at http://www.sexaddicthelp.com/Articles/addiction_cycle.htm
If you have any comments about this article, please click “comments” below.

The Cycle of Sexual Addiction II

Okay, we established that when sex addicts have feelings and they don’t know how to get them met, they seek control.  They try to handle the feelings by making them go away.  Sex addicts will turn to fantasy and preoccupation, which is the beginning of the addictive cycle.

At this point, addicts report being in a lot of fantasy, feeling like they’re in a trance or the “bubble” or just being in some other reality.  The person becomes a hostage of their own head as they try to escape from pain, negative self-valuation, fear of other’s judgments, etc.  Sex Addiction Los Angeles

Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. talks about the “hijacked brain.”  It’s a little like when you’re late for an appointment and you’re rushing around.  All you can focus on is getting to where you need to go, there’s no other reality.

When the sex addict is in this state, others become objects to be judged, sexualized, pursued, hunted, sought, and checked-up on.  All kinds of misperceptions occur like mistaking intensity for intimacy, obsession for caring and control for security.  To be continued…

Sexual Anorexia

Are you sad about not being in a relationship with anyone but find that you don’t know how to approach people?  Do you desire sex but find that you are you averse to it at the same time?  Do you feel ashamed about sex and/or does the thought of getting close to someone make your skin crawl?  Do you sometimes feel a horrible sense of self-loathing?  To understand more about what might be going on with you, check out http://www.sexhelp.com/what_is_sex_anorexia.cfm

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If you have anything to add to this topic, please click the “comment” button now.